20 Ways to Put Your Table on Tilt

Whether it’s in a tournament or a ring game, there are a lot of players who look for ways to dig under the skin of others at their table, to get an edge, put people on tilt, and generally annoy the crap out of them. The most effective way can often be to turn over a nice bluff…like showing your 6-3(o) to an opponent that mucked a pair of Kings with an Ace kicker. And of course a major suck out such as pocket ducks taking down rockets on the river with a 3rd deuce can also do the trick.

But what if you’re just not that good..or lucky?

Here’s 20 ways to put your table on tilt:

1) At the beginning of the game, tell them you’d like to play “similar to the ladies tee rule” of golf. That is, if you go in a pot and don’t win it, you have to take your junk out of your pants for the next hand. And insist that they do this if you win the first hand. No one will want to play a hand with you after that.

2) Any time someone comes over the top and raises you, ask them if “they’d like fries with that.”

3) Whenever somebody is staring at you, trying to figure out if you’ve made your hand or if you’re bluffing, just stare back at them and…wink.

4) Hum the Vonage theme song (woo-ewww-woo-ewweww) every time someone is trying to make a decision whether to call a bet.

5) Yell, “Bring the sugar to booger!” every time you win a pot*.

6) Wear a cowboy hat and torn jeans to your table. Adopt a Texas accent. Give icy stares. Dip. Finally, when you feel someone has bluffed you out of a pot, under your breath say, "I’ve killed a man for doing that before."

7) After EVERY garbage flop (say in this case, 7-4-2), note that you "shouldn’t have folded that 7-2." Do this every single time. Even if you didn‚Äôt fold your hand and that flop comes up.  Even funnier is to say, ‚ÄúI shouldn‚Äôt have folded that 7-4-2.‚Äù

8) Every time someone wins a pot from you, ask them where they live.

9) Actively talk to God. Ask him why he hates you so much every time you muck your hold cards, and thank him for his generosity when you raise. For added affect, change "God" with "Allah."

10) When your opponent is counting his or her chips to call or raise the pot, start shouting out random numbers like, "one billion," "five eighths," and "4.77777"

11) Repeatedly tell everyone during the game that you know what cards they have because you were struck by lightning when you were a kid and it gave you X-Ray vision. Then tell them that you‚Äôre kidding.  Then start crying because you, ‚ÄúJust can‚Äôt stop lying about X-Ray vision.  That‚Äôs the only super power I ever really wanted.  F‚Äô flying.  X-Ray vision, man.  That‚Äôs where it‚Äôs at.‚Äù

12) Sit backwards at the table. Only turn around when it is your turn to play.

13) Start rearranging things on the card table during the game, and say things like, "According to the principles of Feng Shui, these cards would promote more harmony if they were harnessing energy from the east.”

14) While others are betting, build a tower with your chips. Try to get it to go as high as possible. If it crashes, say "Oops, it’s amazing that I construct office buildings for a living."

15) Pretend you have an imaginary friend named Rufus at the table. Consult him out loud about everything. When an opponent contemplates calling one of your raises, get into a heated debate with Rufus about whether or not the opponent will call.

16) Make out with your hand after winning a big pot.

17) Every time you check your hole cards, say, ‚ÄúInteresting. VERY…interesting.‚Äù  Every time.

18) Throughout the game, ask your opponents Seinfeldian  questions like, "What‚Äôs the deal with airlplane food?", "What genius came up with the idea to charge for air at the gas station?", and ‚ÄúWhat‚Äôs the deal with homework?  I mean, you‚Äôre not working on your home‚Ķ‚Äù

19) Bring a dustbuster to the game. Any time the player next to you drops ashes from his cigar, vacuum underneath him and say, "cleanliness is godliness."

20) In a head-to-head showdown, stare intently at your opponent for several seconds then say, "Have you considered blond highlights in your hair? They’d really complement your stunning green eyes."

*Unfortunately this one has been witnessed before at a real tournament.

How would you psych out an opponent?


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