American Actors Are Stoopider

:: snake

Image016_1American actor Val Kilmer, who we’ve been fans of ever since his stellar portrayal in Tombstone
of legendary gunslinger/poker player Doc Holliday, has apparently been in England too long and come down with a bad case of “foot-in-mouth” (akin to hoof-n-mouth, but way more serious). When asked recently how British audiences compared to Americans, Kilmer declared:

“They’re smarter. They read books.‚Äù

Ouch, Lunger. Just because I don’t always finish the books I buy doesn’t mean I don’t read them. It’s just that sometimes I get distracted by old episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County on MTV.

Anyway, I could somewhat forgive Kilmer because I understand what he‚Äôs trying to do. You see, Kilmer, who we‚Äôre actually not fans of ever since his lame portrayal of so gay-not-gay superhero Batman, is across the pond rehearsing for the West End production of “The Postman Always Rings Twice,‚Äù and apparently thinks he has to cozy up to British audiences in advance. Standard PR move.

But Kilmer wasn’t intent on just stroking the egos of those from the land of poor dental hygiene and inbred royals. Yes, he had to go one step further and insult, in one fell swoop, two of my favorite cities, New York and Las Vegas.

When asked about theatre in the U.S. Kilmer shamelessly states:

‚ÄúIt does seem that the standard simply keeps deteriorating on Broadway. The shows have become more Vegas-like. Theatre here just has higher standards.”

Cheers mate, I hear you on the higher standards because right now in London one of the most popular musicals is ‚ÄúJerry Springer the Opera,” which the rag The Observer lauded “the most explosive theatrical event for years.‚Äù

A musical about Jerry Springer? Highbrow stuff. Highbrow indeed.

Valjagger_1And Batman, since we‚Äôre talking standards, can you explain where on the great thespian continuum would you put your recent sell-out jaunt: playing poker in the window of London department store Selfridges? Which, by the way, wasn’t against some poker pro but instead against Mick Jaggers‚Äô daughter Jade? (sidebar question: how many daughters do you think Mick really has, both proven by paternity tests and not?)

And guess what Val’s poker charade was for? To celebrate the launch of PartyPoker‚Äôs UK site as well as the 100th anniversary of the city so Vegas-like it‚Äôs called . . Las Vegas.

So Vegas-like of you Val. So Vegas.

But don‚Äôt get me wrong. I like that Val was playing poker. I mean, the poker world needs another actor playing poker … yeh, about as bad as England needs more rain, or another cheesy pop act, or better yet, another American actor pissing on his homeland to sell tickets there.

Thankfully, this story does have a happy ending though. You see, the karma police took action and made Kilmer pay for his two-face antics. When riding home from his department store window gig on his bike, Kilmer crashed and wound up with some badly bruised knuckles.

Ouch, Val. I hope it doesn’t hurt the next time you check on the felt.


One Response

  1. Paul

    May 16, 2005 3:11 pm, Reply

    Awwww. Come on Val. We’re too busy watching replays of “The Saint”, “Real Genius” and “Red Planet”. We aintz got no time to read books.

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