But before the party kicked off, some pre-partying activities ensued. The Addict and Snake went to Tao to set things up. Seriously, how can bedlam ensue if the atmosphere isn’t just right? The lighting must be impeccable. And don’t get us started on the drapery.
Chops and others pre-partied at RA, a place where you can eat uncooked fish. There, drinks were consumed, including Irish car bombs, Sake bombs, Palestinian suicide bombs, Howard Dean is a ticking time bombs, a Juiced Landis, and other racially and bike-doping-themed drinks.
When all of the Entities Who Comprise Wicked Chops Poker finally met up together at Tao, it was like a record was playing…and suddenly the needle zipped right off the record making that zipping noise…and the party suddenly got quiet because everyone there knew that bedlam would soon ensue. Or maybe there was just a very brief problem with the audio. With all of this newfangled technology, i’s hard to say these days.
Not to digress from the complete hell that was about to be raised, but Bodog does parties right. The club was jam packed with famous and almost famous people almost as beautiful as us, and the only way you could really make your way through it all was by walking behind the Entities as we made our way through the scene, parting the crowd as if it were the Red Sea or some truly fine hair.
Along side the hookahs and barely clothed meditating geishas were naked girls in tubs painted with ice cream. This we are not kidding about.
Also, there were a lot of midgets dressed as ninjas. No kidding here either.
However, this presented a unique problem for Chops. While he has no issue with ninjas, he is known for being petrified of midgets. They scare him.
Knowing this, the group approached a small gathering of ninja midgets, told them that Chops was petrified of them, and to go fuck with Chops. Moments later, Chops feels the light tapping of a finger down by his shin. He looks down. And there are two ninja midgets striking kung-fu poses with their stubby little arms and legs and making “hiiyaaaaaaa!” noises with their stubby little mouths.
After screaming like a girl and having a heart-attack, Chops composed himself.
Then, a long journey to embrace his fears came to fruition.
All thanks to Snake (Colin).
Snake proposed an interesting idea to Chops. A dramatization of this proposition can be found below:
Snake: “You know Chops, the best way to overcome your fears are to face them head-on. You know what I’m sayin’?”
Chops and Snake then shared a mutual look of understanding, and quickly made their way to a bathroom stall.
Along the way, they grabbed the Addict (Brian), 17 painted Bodog girls, and of course, the ninja midgets. They made their way to a bathroom stall, crammed themselves in, and then all enthusiastically engaged in an Aristocrat-style orgy that can best be described as “horrifying.”
Afterwards, Snake engaged Chops in conversation about the event. A dramatization of said conversation can be found below:
Snake: “So, what do you think of midgets now?”
Chops: “You know, those little guys are misunderstood.”
After the orgy, the boys headed back out, where they sweated pool pro Jeanette “The Black Widow” Lee as she took on Gavin Smith and other comers at the pool table. The boys proceeded to discuss how rad it would be if a female were to ever become as good of a poker player as The Black Window managed to become at pool.
After laughing off the notion that a woman could ever be good at poker, seriously it’s ridiculous, the boys wiped midget jizz off of their feet and moved on.
And that’s when things got really crazy.
Along with the aforementioned hookahs, geishas, and ninja midgets were short little Chinamen with samurai swords doing dances on a stage. These dances could best be described as “Kung-Fu Gay.” After the Chinamen finished their “dances,” the boys confronted them with an important request. See, it’s always been a fantasy of the Entities Who Comprise Wicked Chops Poker to do tons of blow off of samurai swords. And these Chinamen just happened to have samurai swords. What luck!!!
So it’s safe to say that the WCP boys’ collective fantasy was fulfilled when massive amounts of cocaine was snorted off of the Chinamen’s samurai swords. It was enough blow to kill Barbaro. Seriously, it was a lot.
With the new found energy that massive amounts of cocaine can give you, the Addict decided to hop up on stage and really get the party started.
The Addict screamed out to the crowd: “All right everybody how you doing out there!!!”
The crowd: [screamed back]
The Addict: “If you like to party let me hear you!”
The crowd: [screamed back]
The Addict: “Well then let’s fucking party!!!”
Suddenly, a microphone dropped from the ceiling and John Parr’s “Man in Motion” began playing. You know, the theme to St. Elmo’s Fire. I can hear the music playing/I can see the banner fly. You know.
So in between more lines of coke off of samurai swords, the WCP boys (seen at right, plotting their next bedlam ensuing move) traded verses of “Man in Motion‚” as the audience would scream back “St. Elmo’s Fire!!!‚Äù” to them in the chorus when John Parr sings ‚”St. Elmo’s Fiiiire!”
If you’re a fan of “Man in Motion,” you can only envision how powerful this moment was.
While you may think the story would end there‚ while you may think there’s no freaking way any more bedlam could possibly ensue, you would be wrong.
So keep your eyes peeled for Part II of Bedlam. You won’t be disappointed.