Brad Pitt Likes Poker More Than His Adopted Kids

One thing we tell our current/first wives over and over again is this: no one should stop kids from playing poker and no kid should stop us from playing poker so if you want to have kids with us then keep this in mind now I’m off to play poker see you on Monday.

And they’re cool with that, because they’re cool.

So keep the above tucked away as we go off on a parenthesis-and-comma-drenched rant about Brad Pitt, poker, adopted kids and Angelina Jolie.

Oceans_12_1Ok, so if we weren’t already rich and famous, we think it would be cool to be a movie star like Brad Pitt. Pitt has famously put the "Brad" in Bradgelina as well in Bradifer, Bradyneth, Bradliette, Bradbin, and pretty much any girl he wanted to put the Brad in. And of course, he put the "Pitt" in CloonPitt. Brad also happens to be a regular poker player (yes that ruins the theory that only actors who are B-list or below or who have fantastic breasts play poker regularly), and he is currently filming the Vegas-centric crime caper, Ocean’s 13 , which we can only assume is the sequel to Ocean’s 12, which if our math is correct (and we are clueless) is the 12th installment in the Ocean’s franchise. Anyway, word has it that the current Ocean’s film’s producer Jerry Weintraub was kind enough to build an exclusive on-set poker lounge for Brad and his A-list co-stars without breasts, George Clooney and Matt Damon (loved him in Team America, easily his best performance since Geronimo: An American Legend).

Says Weintraub, "It was inspired by Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack, guys I hung around with all my life, who made the original Ocean’s Eleven."

And this is where the kids come in. Or not. You see, Brad has reportedly been bringing two of his kids (the adopted Cambodian and Ethiopian ones) to the set of Ocean’s 13 on a daily basis. Yes, very fatherly and sweet of him. The man is busy acting and has an exclusive on-set poker lounge at his disposal and he still opts to bring his kids to work. But of course “bringing the kids to work” is merely Hollywoodspeak for “dropping the kids off at the daycare at work to play with everyone elses’ adopted kids from third world countries,” and in Brad’s case, all while you are busy acting and playing poker in your exclusive on-set poker lounge inspired by Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack.

For the record, we’d be willing to wager that Sinatra and the Rat Pack never even bothered to bring their kids to work, certainly never dropped them off at daycare, and may not have even been aware that they had kids because they were too busy boozin’, fightin’, and pullin’ more tail than a two-year-old at a puppy farm. But, at least to Brad’s credit, having to bring the adopted kids to work isn’t stopping him from playing poker, and so Angelina Jolie must be cool like that. Like our wives.

But this also begs the question that we plan to beg our wives with when we have kids: why can’t she watch them?

We thought it might’ve been because she has started to love them less, which is common when someone has a real child after first adopting a child. But Jolie–a woman who epitomizes the stereotype of the super hot but weird mom/actress who goes to Africa to do do-gooder things for less fortunate people while being all weird and bisexual and incestuous with her brother while estranged from her famous dad but who we’d still bang until her eyes rolled back in her head because, well, she seems like she’d be good at it, or at least our equals in that category–it turns out, has started filming A Mighty Heart, where if history repeats itself, which we hear it has a tendency to do, she’ll strike up a passionate romance with co-star Dan Futterman, leaving the tabloids abuzz about FutterPitt or Futterlina, which will leave her union with Pitt in shambles while he just grinds it out at the poker table totally oblivious to the fact that his wife is headboard denting it with yet another co-star.

But at least his wife is cool enough to let him leave for awhile to go play poker.

Which has now got us thinking, and frankly, quite worried.

[running, car door opens, car ignition cranks, car tires screetching]

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10 Responses

  1. Opie

    August 17, 2006 11:25 am, Reply

    Lots of interesting stuff here, but you forgot to mention the most important thing about Ocean’s Thirteen, it was written by Brian Koppelman and David Levien, the Rounder’s writers, so hopefully there’s more poker to it than Brad’s rat pack inspired room.

  2. Opie

    August 17, 2006 11:27 am, Reply

    Lots of interesting stuff here, but you forgot to mention the most important thing about Ocean’s Thirteen, it was written by Brian Koppelman and David Levien, the Rounder’s writers, so hopefully there’s more poker to it than Brad’s rat pack inspired room.

  3. Dumbshit Carl

    August 17, 2006 2:15 pm, Reply

    Goddamn that was funny. The “..Brad in”, “…12th installment of the Ocean’s franchise”, and “..puppy farm” lines were fantastic. Bravo, random author. Bravo.

  4. Wicked Chop Poker nonsense

    August 25, 2006 12:31 am, Reply

    Interesting that you refer to her children “adopted children”. Does it matter how they come to their Mommy & Daddy? Why do you care so much? Oh, I forgot you don’t have a life. You only have Poker.

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    May 30, 2016 12:11 am, Reply

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