Congratulations Christopher Shilts (pictured here in what appears to be some type of Medieval Nights dinner theatre costume), you’ve officially been inducted into the Stupid Poker Criminals Hall of Shame.
For the unacquainted, Shilts is the 29-year-old owner of Salt Lake City poker supply store, Cards, Chips and More, which this past May suffered two fires in just one week. Officials immediately suspected arson, and some even suggested that an arsonist with a grudge against poker could be out on the loose.
Well, after the second fire, Shilts chatted with reporters outside his store (which coincidentally was having a “Set My Own Store on Fire” Sale at the time), and he claimed someone twice called his cell phone and said, “I will destroy everything you own. I will find you and I will kill you.”
Oh man, this just got scarier.
About a week after the second fire, Shilts then reported that he was robbed by two men who put a pistol to his forehead.
Wow. People were really out to get him.
Amazingly though it was all a lie. Yes, I know, I know. I didn’t see it coming either, but apparently officials discovered that one of the alleged calls to his cell phone came from a phone belonging to one Christopher Shilts of Salt Lake City (news reports here and here).
But wait, you say. Couldn’t one of the bad guys have gotten a hold of his phone and called him from it? Yes, that’s it. What? Oh he has apparently confessed and said that he “intentionally set both . . . fires in his store; that he set the fires to get out from under his financial obligations; and that he made misrepresentations about the fires to the insurance company’s representatives.”
But what if the bad guys are forcing him to say that? What if the police are in on this? Where was FEMA? I mean no one would be so stupid to make the call from his own phone.
Alright enough of that charade. Shilts is as stupid as they come. And for me, the most stupid thing he’s done is name his store “Cards, Chips and More.” I mean this ranks up there with “Just Brakes,” “The Battery Store.” Why can’t people think of something a little more creative than just naming your store after what you sell? Would Apple be the company it is if it was called “Computers, Monitors, Music Players and More.” Would you ever open up a grocery store and call it “Milk, Cereal, Meats, Detergents and Other Things You Need to Eat, Clean and Do things at Home or In the Yard or Elsewhere.” No. You’d call it Kroger.
Ok, that was a stupid example, which brings me to my next point: I love stupidity. I mean what would the world be like if we didn’t have Shilts and our other Stupid Poker Criminal Hall of Shame inductees, including:
- the two guys who robbed an ex-neighbor’s poker game with guns a blazing and walked away with $50 worth of quarters (click);
- the guy who was at the above poker game and fled and got shot instead of handing over his quarters (click);
- Kevin Joy and Deem Cassim, the guys who tried to rob world champ Greg Raymer but fled instead and finally got busted while selling toy helicopters at a San Diego fairground (click); and
- the deadbeat dad who finally got the bad beat he deserved after evading child support for years when the authorities found detailed listings of all his poker winnings online (click).
Thankfully, unlike oil, teachers and lipstick lesbians on the LPGA tour, we’ll never face a shortage of stupid poker criminals.