If you’re like us, you’re wealthy beyond your wildest dreams, wildly attractive, hung like an elephant trunk, help fund militia guerrilla movements in third world countries to topple oppressive regimes, and hate making New Year’s resolutions.
However, our hatred of making New Year’s resolutions doesn’t stop us from making New Year’s resolutions. In fact, out of pure spite for those people who do make New Year’s resolutions, us Entities annually make our vows for the upcoming year and follow through on them, unlike 95% of the mass populace. While we can surely promise you we will forget to keep you updated on our progress on our resolutions (listed after the jump) during 2007, that doesn’t mean we aren’t committed to making them happen. And while we don’t really care, if you have resolutions of your own, let us know what they are anyway. It’s like we’ll be one big happy New Year’s resolution family!
1) While playing online poker, quit typing "you fucking cunt" in the chat box everytime a player we suspect to be female wins a pot from us.
2) Take yatch to Fiji, New Zealand, then dock at Sydney, fly back to the US with a week-long stop in South Africa, pay FOWCP Greg Pead to sail it back to us on the East Coast.
3) Start calling them "Hispanics."
4) At least once a month, say something nice to someone.
5) Perfect underground money funneling channels to third world guerrilla movements set to topple oppressive regimes.
6) On a somewhat related note, continue funding mercenaries to strip mine diamonds from Africa for us. Can anyone say "D, IF" baby!
7) Sabotage friends who are trying to give up smoking as their resolution by taking up smoking and going on and on and on about what they’re missing out on…
8) Never lose sight of how grateful we are for having the people we love in our lives–the friends, the family, the people who touch our heart–and let them know how special they are to us every chance we get.
Kidding about that last one. We’ll never stop taking them for granted. Seriously.