‚ÄúWe go-bots and robots or they got to wait till the show stop
or how ’bout on the beach with black sand
lick up your thigh then call me the pac man
table top or just give me a lap dance
the rock to the park to the point to the flat land‚Äù
While you may have no idea what the fuck that means, other than it alludes to some form of oral sex, a lap dance, and perhaps everyone’s favorite Go-Bot, Cy-Kill, Luda’s wicked flow chops can make any lyric work, even those
This would be on par with how
What all of the above clearly illustrates though is that I have absolutely no idea how to intro a post about fantasy sports–even if it’s a poker fantasy league–and make it sound cool.
For me, admitting I play fantasy sports has the same affect that hard-core Catholics must feel when they admit that they do, in fact, frequently masturbate.
The guilt and shame are unbearable.
Sure, I know just about every male is in some sort of fantasy league. But that doesn’t make it right.
Cause there’s just no way to positively spin wasting time playing fantasy sports. Essentially, we’re grown men throwing hours a week away while tracking the stats of other grown men as if we were GM’s of some franchise.
"Kevin Jones is gonna go for 1,500 and 12 TD’s this year! I can feel it!" Embarrassing.
I’d wager most real GM’s don’t spend as much time crunching stats and proposing trades as some of the guys in my regular fantasy football league do during the season (Chocolate Milk and
But let’s say you’re one of the "lucky" few who actually get to play the role of pseudo-GM for a living. Pretend you are, I don’t know, Scott Engel at ESPN. Here’s a guy that knows his fantasy shit so much that he’s actually banking checks from one of the world’s most recognizable brands (again, ESPN, in case you couldn’t put 1 and 1 together there). He should be universally praised and applauded by anyone and everyone, right? Living the dream. Doing what he loves to do. But when he’s at a bar and a girl sidles up next to him and the conversation eventually gets around to, "What do you do for a living," and when Engel is forced to reply with, "Well, actually, I write about fantasy sports for ESPN…" the girl will have made an exit stage left before Engel even got the chance to say the "ESPN" part.
And as much as I’ve ragged on my old high school friends who (inexplicably) played Dungeons and Dragons back in the day, are my fantasy leagues really that much different? Essentially they’re Dungeons and Dragons for jocks.
With one caveat.
We put money on fantasy sports.
And you can put money on almost anything and make it cool.
At least that’s what I tell myself.
So if you haven’t actually stopped reading yet, then I gotta say I was pretty excited when Andrew Feldman over at ESPN.com asked me to join his WSOP Fantasy League.
‚ÄúWill there be money involved?‚Äù
"It‚Äôs been brought up."
"Then I‚Äôm in."
The league consists of an assortment of three ‚Äúwriters‚Äù and five ‚Äúpros‚Äù playing for what equates to about ¬º of a small blind in the Big Game.
Along with myself and Feldman, the participants include: Steve Rosenbloom, author of The Best Hand I Ever Played and feature ESPN.com Poker Club writer; Daniel Negreanu, who I understand is a pretty good poker player or something and
Here‚Äôs how the league shakes down: We each pick 8 players in a ‚Äúsnake‚Äù draft format. Using a point system similar to the
totally rigged league I played in with Feldman earlier this year where he ran away with the league finishing in the 99 percentile of all players in the entire league that he is in charge of running for all of ESPN yes I‚Äôm bitter I hate losing BLUFF/ESPN fantasy system, we earn points based on how those 8 players perform and finish in WSOP events. So clearly you want players who will play in multiple events and are good in all forms of poker, save maybe
So I call into the conference number that Feldman set up for the draft.
When the automated hostess asks me for my name, I believe I say something along the lines of, ‚ÄúChops here.‚Äù
I‚Äôm greeted by Rosenbloom, Lee, and Feldman.
Rosenbloom says something along the lines of, "I love your site. You‚Äôre like the fraternity site of poker blogs. I know people think you‚Äôre a bunch of assholes but I think it‚Äôs great."
I believe he is complimenting us, although I‚Äôm not sure. But I don’t feel like further digging for facts, because facts get in the way of things.
Eventually all of the participants phone in, except
Negreanu notes that, "A Phan or Ngyuen must be on your team." While joking, it‚Äôs true, as I‚Äôve targeted both a Phan and a Ngyuen for mine (and end up eventually snagging the Master and the Razor and naming my team the Phantastic Ngyueners).
Feldman drew the draft order "randomly,"
so given his complete annihilation of the fantasy league which, as mentioned earlier, he put together the scoring system for and was in charge of I‚Äôm shocked to learn that he isn‚Äôt picking first and Mark Seif ends up with the first pick.
Seif leads things off by picking John Juanda, the guy I would‚Äôve had targeted as my first pick. Luckily my back-up first pick, Barry Greenstein, remained available after Scott Fischman took himself with the second pick. While I‚Äôve never met Fischman, I fully expected this move from him, and I like it. If I was a pro, I‚Äôd do the exact same thing. I respect the confidence.
Next up, Rosenbloom takes Phil Ivey. Feldman snags Negreanu. Negreanu admits he was gonna take himself before selecting his buddy Erick Lindgren. And Bernard Lee rounds out the first round by taking Chris "Jesus" Ferguson.
All solid picks. No shockers.
Now if this were a regular fantasy football draft, I’d bust out some sort of joke with my second round pick. Do I go with the obvious joke, Peyton Manning? Or do I go for a more obscure reference, say, Christian Okoye.
After a brief situational analysis, I go with the Okoye joke. Feldman follows with a joke about "drafting the kicker." You are probably poking your eyeballs out right now if you’re still actually reading this.
So I won’t bore you with a pick-by-pick breakdown. You can read about all of our picks here.
I will note though that Rosenbloom went an interesting route, as he picked the first female (Leibert)…and second female (Violette). His team was instantly dubbed "Team Slumber Party" by Negreanu. Rosenbloom also picked Phil Hellmuth and Phil Laak. His team, at least while the cameras are rolling, could possibly be an assembly of the most annoying group of poker players on the planet.
While I am contractually obligated to pick MY team as the eventual winner, I certainly do like Negreanu’s squad. It’s solid.
And finally, some interesting bits of convo during the draft:
Gordon may be hosting a new TV show featuring amateurs poker player vs. the pros. It allegedly will be on TBS.
Mark Seif will be playing in "a ton" of events this year.
Kenna James has a good size bet on himself doing well in the WSOP this year so he’s got some extra motivation for a good showing (and being one of our picks)
David Benyamine (at right) is up around $20M in the big game the past few months.
That’s all I got. I’ll provide some updates of how we’re all doing when the WSOP kicks off next week, unless I’m not doing well, in which case this will be the last article I’ll ever write on fantasy poker.