Life Sucks South of Here

MexflagWhat’s worse than getting your homegame robbed by a neighbor looking for a few quarters to pad his bankroll?

Living in Mexico.

Oh, and living in Mexico and having everyone in your homegame blown to pieces in a Scarface-style, shoot-up massacre.

That is what happened the other night in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, a town just south of Laredo, Texas (but apparently newer than its American counterpart). While you were watching the Packers get massacred in Baltimore on Monday, five poker players in Nuevo Laredo were merrily playing cards in a mechanic’s garage when they were rudely interrupted by men wielding assault rifles, cans of spray paint and tacos. Tossing the spray paint and tacos aside, momentarily, the thugs gunned down the poker players one by one, cashing in three as they sat at the poker table, one as he attempted to check his culo to the exit and the other as he folded to the floor and under a truck (3 points there for the poker metaphors, half point bonus for saying ass in spanish).

Wicked Chops Poker, like the crackpot Mexican authorities who summed things up by saying “They were obviously surprised,” have a hunch this was cartel related. Seriously. We’re smart like that.

And that means we won’t be nominating any of these fellows into our Stupid Poker Criminals Hall of Fame. Why not? Because we believe in the sanctity of life, or put another way, we don’t want to die.

Did we really say spray paint and tacos?

All joking aside, life truly must suck south of here. Governments and police are corrupt, poverty runs deep, unemployment is rampant, drug cartels rule the streets and, now, poker players get massacred.

And it’s only getting worse (but after the jump it gets better because there are pics of Colombian supermodels).

Map3Consider this recent stat: Kidnappers in Mexico are three times more likely to kill their victims than are their counterparts in Colombia, the country long considered to be the mecca of kidnappings. Indeed, about one out of every seven people kidnapped in Mexico died at the hands of their captors in 2005, compared to one out of every 26 victims in Colombia. In poker terms, that means your chance of getting killed when kidnapped in Mexico is about the same as you catching a set on a flop with pocket pairs (our very own Chops notwithstanding). Meanwhile, the odds of you getting killed in Colombia when kidnapped is more like hitting the runner-runner after flopping two to a flush.

So let’s just say we’d take a bad hand in Colombia over Mexico any day.

Anyway, we could go on about things south of here, like how Bolivia just elected a coke-growing communist Indian with an 11th grade education (that’s like going to Harvard there) as their leader and how Venezuela is led by a foulmouthed, far-leftist, Castro wannabe thug who we swear also works the evening shift at the Moes Burritos on Ponce, but as you know, we always try to look for the good in the bad, and what’s the good in the bad South of here?

The women, of course, who we pay tribute to below. In this case, a Colombian trifecta of Ana Sofia Henao (pic 1 and 2), Sofia Vergara and Claudia Perlwitz.

P.S. If anyone’s asking, uh, the Addict wrote this post.



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