New Bond Attracts Gay Men, Knows Jack Squat About Poker

(editorial note: If you’d rather just see photos of Sienna Miller, Eva Green and Caterina Murino than read about how the new James Bond is a ‘wuss,’ ‘poof’ and ‘skirt,’ scroll down and click ‘continue reading…’)

Remember when Wicked Chops Poker almost changed it’s name to Wicked Chops Baccarat after hearing that the new Bond film was going to be Casino Royale, which, at least in the book by the same name, had James Bond saving the world in a game of Baccarat?

As we said back then, “Seriously, think of all the teens around the world who will dream of one day becoming the world champ in baccarat after they see the new Bond flick.”

Alright, maybe that doesn’t ring a bell.

Oh wait, remember that post that had like 5 photos of Brit hottie Sienna Miller, who was also reportedly shagging the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, when she wasn’t off bonking Jude Law?

OK, as we were saying, we learned back then that the new Bond film was actually scrapping Baccarat for some funny sounding card game called Texas Hold’em (Why Texas? Hold what? Why the use of an apostrophe?). Well, ever since that announcement, Craig has run into some heavy criticism from Bond fans who think he’s just not 007 material. First, word got out that he chipped a tooth during a fight scene (wuss) and then rumors circulated that he suffered heat rash in the Bahamas (poof) and finally we heard that he could only drive automatic cars (skirt).

But most damningly, the British tabloids now report that the new Bond doesn’t know how to play poker?

Seriously. No joke.

A source told The Sun newspaper: “Daniel could not play cards – it was so funny. It is a critical part of the film, where Bond shows how cool a customer he is. But it was frustratingly ridiculous how long it took to teach the cast how to play or behave at a poker table.”

“Everyone at the hotel has been laughing about a Bond who can’t play cards.”

Or drive a stick. Or take a punch. Or knows that in warm, humid weather you’re suppose to wear loose-fitting, light clothing, such as natural fabrics like cotton that allow the skin to sweat more efficiently than synthetics.

And to make things worse, Craig also just admitted that he’s more of a gay magnet than chick draw.

“I was out recently and all these gay guys were over me like a rash, but they never ask about the Bond plot,” said Craig.

Kind of like that heat rash you got down in the Bahamas, wasn’t it?

But things aren’t so bad for Craig. His two co-stars are Eva Green and Caterina Murino. Eva, in case you don’t know, is the French temptress who starred in the movie The Dreamers, in which she played a young naked girl who was naked for two hours, as far as we can remember. If you didn’t see it, you can watch clips here and here but be warned they’re the kind of clips you don’t view at work, in front of children or in the presence of your wife, girlfriend or pet.

And if you don’t know Caterina Murino, she’s that Italian girl who’s hot and is co-starring in the new James Bond film with Eva Green. See above.

Pics of all girls mentioned in this post after jump. For our gay reader(s) or the “curious,” go here.

Click on photos for much higher-res “experience.”