New Inductees to The Stupid Poker Criminals Hall of Fame

Just as there’s no shortage of people with the last name Nguyen cashing in poker tournaments, there seems to be no end to the folks deserving of a spot in our Stupid Poker Criminals Hall of Fame.

Indeed, the Chris Shilts and Dayne Bavermans of the world seem to be just as plenty as the Men and Scotty Nguyens, and today we honor four new folks who each let things like greed, anger, sucking at poker and plain stupidity get the best of them.

Today‚Äôs inductees include a Montana man who put a beatin’ on the guy who was beating him at the poker table, a British woman who stole around $45,000 from her boss in a failed attempt to win back online losses, a 20-year-old who knocked a friend over the head with a rum bottle during a poker game, and lastly, a man who did donuts in the lobby of the Gold Strike Casino after playing poker there.

Inductee # 1 – Steve McCewan
First, we induct Steven J. McEwan, a 25-year-old from Bozeman, Montana who tried to recover his poker losses by pounding the crap out of the guy he lost his money to at the poker table. The two had been trading verbal jabs in a poker club all night, with McEwan telling his nemesis, Adam Chesterfied, at one point, “You better watch your fucking mouth. I’m going to fuck you up if you don’t knock it off.”

After losing most, if not all, of his money to Chesterfield, McEwan finally decided to put any money he had left where his mouth was and followed Chesterfield home, entered his house and threatened to shoot him if he didn’t return the money. Remembering that he was in the Wild West town of Bozeman, Montana, where guns are as common as hot chicks in Brazil, Chesterfield told his roommate to grab a shotgun. At that time, Chesterfield and his roommate noticed a bulge in McEwan’s pants that was either (1) an axe, or (2) a dick that‚Äôs been hit with an axe, so Chesterfield charged McEwan and placed him in a headlock to avoid the axe (or axe shaped dick). McEwan however was able to repeatedly punch Chesterfield in the face and get Chesterfield in a headlock and held him until he returned his money. McEwan was able to walk off with $370 in cash.

When the police questioned McEwan, he told them that it was a stick in his pants, not an axe, that he “wasn’t thinking straight,‚Äù that it was $100 he took, not $370, and finally my favorite lie, that he was actually invited to Chesterfield’s home to play more poker (and, uh, kick the shit out of him for $370).

The judge told McCewan that he had to stay out of bars and casinos if he posts bail. He also told him he could not use alcohol or drugs, contact the alleged victim, leave the state or stick axes down his pants anymore. If convicted, McEwan faces up to 40 years in prison and a $50,000 fine for robbery.

More on the story here

Inductee #2 – Cindy Streets
Cindy Streets, a 21-year-old Brit who ran into a wee bit of bad luck as she lost close to $50,000US playing poker and gambling online, is our second inductee. Cindy maxed out five credit cards during an unfortunate down streak (I’m sure it was just suck out after suck out and not her sucking) and to make up for her losses her boyfriend convinced her to rob some money from the bureau de change she ran for a travel agency, which is owned by Phillip Schofield, who apparently is some notable British television personality but is not Benny Hill, so we’re a bit confused. Anyway, the plan was to gamble with that money she was stealing from the register, and pay off her debts and pay back the travel agency with the winnings. A win-win situation for all, some may say . . . well, perhaps if her and her beau didn’t suck so bad as gamblers.

And because no one ever tells a story better than the stupid poker criminal does, here’s what Cindy had to say in her police interview:

“I made a stupid mistake and borrowed £1,000 from work to try to win back money. I lost the £1,000 and then the second lot I took was £6,000 worth of currency. I tried to use that to pay back the £1,000 plus my credit card, but I got more and more into debt with online gambling. We did win £5,000 back at one stage but we wanted to carry on gambling to win back the full amount and then we lost the winnings.”

Streets’ lawyer explained that his client earned £14,000 a year and was led astray by her former boyfriend who was unemployed and a gambling addict.

Oh, Poor little Cindy. It isn’t that she is stupid, lies, steals and sucks at gambling. It’s just that she has poor taste in men. We’ll forgive her, though not sure her boss ever will.

More on the story here

Inductee #3 – Ryan Bisson
What are friends for? Well, if you ask Ryan Bisson, a 20-year-old from Roxbury, NJ, he’d tell you that friends are for blowing you if they want a ride home, punching and kicking when they’re on the ground and hitting them over the head with a bottle of Bacardi when playing poker. These are just some of the things this dickhead has done over the past couple years to friends of his and which have finally landed him in the pokey for 45 days, where Ryan will likely find a few “friends” who are into getting blow jobs and kicking the shit out of people as much as him.

Ryan apparently first got into trouble when he was a high school wrestler, which means he has the legs of a midget and the arms of an ape. He and a few of his cauliflower-eared fellas refused to give a female friend of theirs a ride home unless she gave one of them a blow job. Ryan allegedly left the locker room before she went to “work” but was still put on probation for six months. During that time, Ryan got a little upset during a poker game and bashed one of his friends on the head with a Bacardi rum bottle, which begs the question, why the hell was a bottle of Bacardi anywhere near a game of poker with a bunch of dudes? Anyway, Ryan finally was sent to jail for violating his probation when he was arrested for punching, you guess it, a friend in the head and kicked him when he was on the ground.

Ryan‚Äôs lawyer, who apparently went to the same Lie School, we mean Law School, as Cindy Streets’ lawyer, blamed the media for portraying Bisson “as this horrible monster,” saying his client is struggling with emotional and anger management issues. To support his claim, they even got a psychologist to analyze Ryan, who concluded that Ryan merely suffered from “chronic difficulty with emotional control.” While we‚Äôre no doctors, we’re pretty certain that “chronic difficulty with emotional control” in layman terms means “can’t help but being a major dickhead.”

More on the story here

Inductee #3 – Robert Leon White
Robert Leon White, of Ringgold, Ga., which we are pretty sure is near Atlanta because we‚Äôve seen signs for a city with that name somewhere within 100 miles of Atlanta, decided that it was time to make the donuts yesterday, except the donuts he wanted to make were in a car he crashed into the lobby of Tunica’s Gold Strike Casino. White drove his car through the front doors and began doing donuts in the hotel‚Äôs lobby atrium, sideswiping the gift shop and finally coming to a rest next to the elevators at about 4:30a.m. White had been at the Horseshoe Casino just before the crash, and was also seen at the Gold Strike’s poker tables earlier in the evening. For his early morning donut making, Leon will be charged with seven counts of aggravated assault, assault on a law officer, reckless driving, disorderly conduct, and failing to comply. He was also charged with disturbing the peace. On a positive note, our sources tell us that Donkin Donuts has agreed to stake his buy-in at the WSOP main event if he agrees to say “Time to make the donuts” every time he goes all in.

More on the story here

 

10 Responses

  1. Chops

    January 25, 2006 5:12 am, Reply

    Some of these quotes from these idiots rival one of the all-time quote machines, Scott Stapp, who incidentally was the worst poker player ever on Bravo’s celeb poker show, and who is also an idiot, who recently said, “311, I am ready to
    fight.”

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