Performance Enhancing Poker

Chops here.

Cheater_2In light of Rafael Palmeiro’s recent juicing bust, I got to thinking: can steroids enhance your poker game?

The conclusion, for me at least, was a resounding ‚Äúno.‚Äù   The reasons, let‚Äôs just say, are ‚Äúmany,‚Äù such as:
Copy_of_diamond_5 Rake rage.  If you thought the rake rage you see online is bad, imagine sucking out on a juiced player at a live game.  That guy across the table with the big head, small sack, and back acne would splash the pot with you
Copy_of_diamond_5Cardiac problems/high blood pressure.  According to, these are some of the most serious steroid complications (along with annihilating your liver and kidneys, of course).  Brothers with glandular problems would be dropping like flies.
Copy_of_diamond_5Breast enlargement.  Except for maybe Crazy Canadian Brian Zemic (aka, Exhibit 498,765 why America Jr. sucks), I bet most people would actually think that breast swelling could be the most serious side effect.  Unless you‚Äôre a boob-guy.  Then I guess it would rule.

We can all agree then that steroids won‚Äôt help your poker game.  So what will?  Here‚Äôs some thoughts…

Viagra – Oh sure, it’s an easy joke.  But next to Stanozolol, it‚Äôs Palmeiro‚Äôs favorite drug of choice, so you know there‚Äôs gotta be some benefits.  But how could Viagra enhance your (poker) game?  The answer is two-fold.  First, with the swelling of confidence you‚Äôll have, we imagine your game would shift to a more aggressive, ‚Äúgimme that pot‚Äù kind of mentality.  Your chips might more liberally go to the center as you try and claim the booty.  If you‚Äôre catching some cards, your (chip) stack could very well swell as well. 

SeSecond, thanks to Moneymaker‚Äôs theatrics during the 2003 WSOP Main Event, any yahoo that goes all in thinks he needs to stand up as the cards are burned and turned, cheering himself on to victory.  If you‚Äôre sporting wood for hours at a time (which would mean you‚Äôre taking Cialis, but same concept), you‚Äôre going to hear a lot of, ‚ÄòNah that‚Äôs all right, man.  The pot is yours.  Take it.  No, seriously, take it.‚Äù  This point is further exacerbated if you’re sitting across from Shannon Elizabeth.

Weed – Normally, I wouldn’t have ever thought this…but I have two words for you: Gank Jungblut.  Gank spends more time stoned off his ass than a Koala bear on a eucalyptus binger.  And Gank has a WSOP bracelet.  Do you have a bracelet?  Didn‚Äôt think so.  Clearly Gank is onto something the rest of us are not.  In other words, when it comes to poker, don‚Äôt pass on grass.  Can any deadheads out there confirm this for us?  Rod Pardey?  Anyone?

Vitamins ‚Äì I remember it like it was 19 years ago. 

Ah yes, 19 years ago…staying up late on a 1986 Saturday night, in my basement, waiting for WWF‚Äôs Saturday Night‚Äôs Main Event.  While Rowdy Roddy Piper was always my favorite, I did have a soft spot in my heart for the ultimate champ, Hulk Hogan.  And how could I not, as Hogan ended up teaching me one valuable life lesson: ‚ÄúSay your prayers and eat your vitamins, little dude!‚Äù 

Hogan2Aside:Thanks to Bones at Weathered Living for this rocking pic of Hulk Hogan, faux-guitaring Rick Derringer‚Äôs classic, "Real American" (now available on the WWE Anthology).  And seriously, did any song EVER rock as hard as ‚ÄúReal American‚Äù?  Why isn‚Äôt this our national anthem?  How much more fun would baseball be each and every game started with the crowd chanting, ‚ÄúI am a real American!  Fight for the rights of every man!  I am a real American!  Fight for what‚Äôs right!  Fight for your life!‚Äù  I would actually go to baseball games again.   Season-ticket holder, I’d be. That song could be the steroid to baseball’s slagging attendance.   

Back on point, maybe something as simple as vitamins could help your poker game.  Then again, didn‚Äôt it come out that Hogan‚Äôs ‚Äúvitamins‚Äù weren‚Äôt so much ‚Äúvitamins‚Äù as they were ‚Äústeroids‚Äù?  I bet there‚Äôs six degrees of separation between Palmeiro and the Hulkster on this one.  Damn you Rafael Palmeiro. Damn you for tainting the Hulkster! 

Z ZoloftAccording to, "Zoloft is safe and effective for the treatment of depression and anxiety."  Are there two greater forces in the poker emotional spectrum than that?  Seems like Zoloft would help you limit your tells.  Maybe like weed does for Gank…excpet the big Z is legal! 

Not to mention (but I’m mentioning it, damn the torpedoes), a combo of Zoloft and Botox could provide the ultimate, impenetrable poker face.  It would be awesome.  We‚Äôd pay someone to try this out at a tournament. 

In conclusion.  Whether it’s a prescription drug or something grown in a dank closet in Gank’s bedroom, there are plenty of ways to raise your poker game. I’m sure we’ve just hit on a few in this article. If you have any real-life experiences in this arena…please…let us know.


One Response

  1. iPod

    August 8, 2005 8:55 pm, Reply

    How about Ovaltine? Do you think Ovaltine may help? If not, how about Tang, or maybe Fresca? Tab? These aren’t drugs, but you never know.

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