In light of Rafael Palmeiro‚Äôs recent juicing bust, I got to thinking: can steroids enhance your poker game?
The conclusion, for me at least, was a resounding ‚Äúno.‚Äù The reasons, let‚Äôs just say, are ‚Äúmany,‚Äù such as:
Rake rage. If you thought the rake rage you see online is bad, imagine sucking out on a juiced player at a live game. That guy across the table with the big head, small sack, and back acne would splash the pot with you.
Cardiac problems/high blood pressure. According to steroids.com, these are some of the most serious steroid complications (along with annihilating your liver and kidneys, of course).
Breast enlargement. Except for maybe Crazy Canadian Brian Zemic (aka, Exhibit 498,765 why America Jr. sucks), I bet most people would actually think that breast swelling could be the most serious side effect. Unless you‚Äôre a boob-guy. Then I guess it would rule.
We can all agree then that steroids won‚Äôt help your poker game. So what will? Here‚Äôs some thoughts…
Viagra – Oh sure, it’s an easy joke. But next to Stanozolol, it‚Äôs Palmeiro‚Äôs favorite drug of choice, so you know there‚Äôs gotta be some benefits. But how could Viagra enhance your (poker) game? The answer is two-fold. First, with the swelling of confidence you‚Äôll have, we imagine your game would shift to a more aggressive, ‚Äúgimme that pot‚Äù kind of mentality. Your chips might more liberally go to the center as you try and claim the booty. If you‚Äôre catching some cards, your (chip) stack could very well swell as well.
Second, thanks to Moneymaker‚Äôs theatrics during the 2003 WSOP Main Event, any
Weed – Normally, I wouldn’t have ever thought this…but I have two words for you:
Vitamins ‚Äì I remember it like it was 19 years ago.
Ah yes, 19 years ago…staying up late on a 1986 Saturday night, in my basement, waiting for WWF‚Äôs Saturday Night‚Äôs Main Event. While Rowdy Roddy Piper was always my favorite, I did have a soft spot in my heart for the ultimate champ, Hulk Hogan. And how could I not, as Hogan ended up teaching me one valuable life lesson: ‚ÄúSay your prayers and eat your vitamins, little dude!‚Äù
Aside:Thanks to Bones at Weathered Living for this rocking pic of Hulk Hogan, faux-guitaring Rick Derringer‚Äôs classic, "Real American" (now available on the WWE Anthology). And seriously, did any song EVER rock as hard as ‚ÄúReal American‚Äù? Why isn‚Äôt this our national anthem? How much more fun would baseball be each and every game started with the crowd chanting, ‚ÄúI am a real American! Fight for the rights of every man! I am a real American! Fight for what‚Äôs right! Fight for your life!‚Äù I would actually go to baseball games again. Season-ticket holder, I’d be. That song could be the steroid to baseball’s slagging attendance.
Back on point, maybe something as simple as vitamins could help your poker game. Then again, didn‚Äôt it come out that Hogan‚Äôs ‚Äúvitamins‚Äù weren‚Äôt so much ‚Äúvitamins‚Äù as they were ‚Äústeroids‚Äù? I bet there‚Äôs six degrees of separation between Palmeiro and the Hulkster on this one. Damn you Rafael Palmeiro. Damn you for tainting the Hulkster!
Zoloft – According to Zoloft.com, "Zoloft is safe and effective for the treatment of depression and anxiety." Are there two greater forces in the poker emotional spectrum than that? Seems like Zoloft would help you limit your tells. Maybe like weed does for Gank…excpet the big Z is legal!
Not to mention (but I’m mentioning it, damn the torpedoes), a combo of Zoloft and Botox could provide the ultimate, impenetrable poker face. It would be awesome. We‚Äôd pay someone to try this out at a tournament.
In conclusion. Whether it’s a prescription drug or something grown in a dank closet in Gank’s bedroom, there are plenty of ways to raise your poker game. I’m sure we’ve just hit on a few in this article. If you have any real-life experiences in this arena…please…let us know.