Yesterday we introduced the first part of the possibly first annual Wicked Chops Poker Awards. As promised, today = Part II (which is so important we use Roman numerals instead of just the number "2").
Best Breasts in Poker: J.C. Tran. Listen, we have no idea where the "J.C. Tran has spectacular breasts…" thing came from. Couldn’t think of anything else to say about the guy and it randomly popped up and the rest is history. Having said that, look at J.C. Tran’s spectacular breasts (at right). Those are without one single doubt the best breasts in poker. Yes, Lacey Jones is the hottest girl in poker, but have you seen J.C.’s breasts? How can you even make an argument that someone has better breasts? You can’t. It’d be like arguing against Lionel Hutz. You’re winning that one every time, son.
Worst Name of a Potential Cellmate if You’re Sent to Prison: Hoyt Corkins. The thought of being "hoyt corkin’d" is utterly terrifying.
Best 2+2 Thread of All-Time: The Sklansky/Hawbaker Dramabomb. It was bound to happen. Rumors swirled about some kind of Sklansky/Hawbaker relationship at last year’s WSOP (watch the Brandi Hawbaker interview about it). Then it died down. Went away. Then in late February it just blew the f’ up (read the 2+2 thread here), culminating in 2+2 banning any known Brandi Hawbaker associates (and the NWP crew) and Sklansky "alluding" to throwing acid on Brandi’s face. This one had it all. In fact, we feel safe in saying that we may never see a poker forum thread involving a 60 year-old dude who keeps a vibrator in his glove compartment and hints at throwing acid on a hot girl’s face again. Probably.
Best Neverwin Poker Thread: Justin Smith Rolls Bryan Micon. The sheer creativity in this one wins out over the never-ending supply of messed up NWP threads. After Bryan "King of the Degenerates" Micon got rolled for about $12k by Justin Smith, he turned the fuck-you-machine on full-throttle. Micon wouldn’t rest until he got paid back. Be it recording countless phone conversation and putting them online, or releasing one digit of Justin Smith’s SSN every hour until he got paid back, this one was constant entertainment. Watch Micon’s RawVegas.tv interview on the pwning here.
Best Poker Player with a Video Blog: David Williams. This one is tough because they’re all surprisingly good. You would expect nothing less than an interesting vlog from, say, Daniel Negreanu. Or Phil Hellmuth. But David Williams? There’s a voyeuristic element (like his phone call with Mike "The Mouth" Matusow) to David’s vlogs that is pretty addictive. Like heroin. Sweet, sweet heroin. How can something so good be so bad. Watch David William’s vlogs here.
Best Tournament Reporter We’d Hire if He Wasn’t Canadian and Drove a Porsche Already: Owen Laukkanen. This Poker Listings star reporter has so much going for him. And a few things going against him. For example, while he drives a Porsche, this is where he lives. Makes it hard to have good home games.
Best Canadian We’d Most Like to Spend the Weekend Ice Fishing and Eskimo Kissing With: Evelyn Ng. Not only is she super cute, she’s a solid poker player and Guitar Hero expert. We’d say more but we don’t want to verge into creepy territory.
Best Dancing With the Stars Poker Player (Man or Woman): Shannon Elizabeth. Even if there were other poker playing Dancing with the Stars contestants (as was rumored with "Salty" Joe Hachem), Shannon (and her legs) would still win out.
Best Use of a Chair at a Poker Table: Joanna Krupa. Look at Joanna Krupa in that chair. Thing of beauty, really. And how would you like to have been that chair for that day? Best day of your life as chair, right? All the days you had to endure of Eskimo Clark or this guy or this guy farting on you would be totally worth it for the one day of Joanna Krupa, wouldn’t it?
Best Celebrity Poker Player: Sully Erna. We have no idea if Sully crushes cash games or if he’s skilled at Omaha Hi/Lo, but the dude has two straight WSOP Main Event cashes and a second at a $5K Bellagio Five-Diamond prelim event. Solid.
Check back tomorrow for Part III…