“**** U!!!”

Chops here.

It‚Äôs seriously one of the best feelings in the world. 

You‚Äôre online.  You‚Äôve followed pot odds and instincts to decimate the stack of some drunken/stupid/raging rounder.   Then, as you‚Äôre counting your virtual chips, the assault begins:
‚Äú**** you!‚Äù  ‚ÄúI hate this site!‚Äù  ‚ÄúRiver stars!‚Äù  ‚ÄúNice catch ******‚Äù  ‚ÄúGo buy a lottery ticket!‚Äù  ‚Äú******* *******!‚Äù

In poker, does it get any better than this?

Reading a recent CBS News article on the cleaning up of tournament poker, I was reminded of all the rake rage I‚Äôve witnessed at online tables. 

Chopscouch_copy_4 For good players, online poker should be like shooting fish in a barrel.  Yes, playing online can sometimes drive me up the freaking wall, and yes sometimes I want to jump out my window and fall four stories to the cold, hard cement below.  Why?  Why?  Why do you limp in early position to eventually call my pre-flop raise with A-2 and hit an Ace on the flop when I have K-K?  Why?

But I keep reminding myself that over the long haul, if you play a solid game, you‚Äôll make money. 

Still, regardless of how correct your decisions are, someone is bound to go off on you for taking a pot from them every now and then.  And it never stops being hilarious.

For example…

A week or two ago I was playing on what I feel to be the most ‚Äúreal-life-like‚Äù site, Poker Stars.  I say this because seldom do you encounter some all-in kamikaze pilot from Scandanavia, and the blind structure is slow enough where you‚Äôre allowed to actually play cards for awhile and build a stack.  Plus, the verbal berating I‚Äôve seen on other sites is at a minimum on Poker Stars (probably due to the early crack-down on verbal berating in the chat feature).

Except for this one game…

I‚Äôm playing a 6-person SNG, blinds are up to 25-50.  UTG limps.  Folds all around.  I‚Äôm small blind with a suited K-Q.  I‚Äôm always suspicious of an UTG limp on Poker Stars.  On other sites, the UTG limp could just mean some suited connector or A-x, but Poker Stars mid-level SNGs typically has more sophisticated play, so I just call, thinking the guy has Aces or Kings.  I had been very aggressive up until this stage pre-flop, so maybe the guy was trying to trap.  The big blind checks as well. 

The flop hits J-T-x with two of my suit.  I check.  The BB checks.  And as I suspected, UTG bets, but instead of an attempt to win the pot then and there, he just (virtually) moves a paltry sum in front of him (not even close to pot-sized).  I call.  BB calls.  Turn is another x, not my suit.  I check.  BB checks.  UTG bets yet another paltry sum, far below pot and keeping it far worthy for me to keep calling him.  BB bails at this stage.

Then, for me, the money card strikes on the river: Ace. 

Since I had put this guy on Aces or Kings, if he had aces, since no other cards on the board were paired, I figured my straight would rake most if not all of his stack (actually, most, since he was chip leader at the time).  I bet the pot, and UTG moves all in.  I call.  He flips over his set of Aces. 

Then the assault begins.  This guy was just raging, slamming me for ‚Äúchasing,‚Äù telling me to ‚Äúkeep that kind of play up,‚Äù etc. etc.  You‚Äôve heard it (or typed it) all before.  I hate chatting online (and often have it disabled anyway), but I couldn‚Äôt resist.  Almost like a teacher to a dumbass petulant student, I explain pot odds and how he kept the price right for me to call.  He asks, ‚ÄúAnd who are you?‚Äù

I type: “I’m the guy with all of your chips.”

Man this dude went off.  ‚ÄúNot for long you ****** *******!‚Äù  It continued for another few minutes until he went all in pre-flop with 8‚Äôs to my Q‚Äôs. 

I type: ‚ÄúNot for long?  4ever!‚Äù

Until I won the SNG, he did not leave the table, spewing venom the whole time.

And I loved every second of it.  Because really, he‚Äôs just mad at himself.  I had been very aggressive at the table, raising a lot pre-flop, so his UTG limp was OK if he thought I‚Äôd re-raise from the small blind.  He could pounce then.  But I limped, he kept it cheap, and his chips helped me cruise to a win.  The mental picture of this guy all pissed off yelling at his screen and typing expletives is just too damn funny. 

While this is a rarity on Poker Stars, I‚Äôve seen the verbal sparring on Noble Poker and Wallstreet a bunch.  Never any racial epithets like the CBS article talks about (in this case, an assumption that since the writer was from DC, that he was a N-word).  But on Wallstreet, where my ‚ÄúChops‚Äù screenname I guess screams ‚ÄúAsian!!!,‚Äù  I got so many unprintable verbal attacks it would make the Aristocrats look like Bambi. 

While the racial slams are never appropriate, I hope the poker world isn‚Äôt cleaned up TOO much like the article discusses.  Sure, eliminating f-bombs from televised poker (like what was enforced at the WSOP this year with Barry Paskin, Matusow, etc.) makes sense.  But online, putting someone on tilt is one of the biggest satisfactions of playing (next to taking their money, of course).  I hope that privilege is never taken away.

And I ******* mean that.


15 Responses

  1. Chops

    August 3, 2005 10:58 am, Reply

    As was commented on Long Duck Dong’s outfit in Sixteen Candles, “What was he wearing? Well, uh, let’s see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes… No, he’s not retarded.”
    Maybe those racists on Wallstreet were on to something…

  2. Snake

    August 3, 2005 1:42 pm, Reply

    that’s who you look like here…couldn’t figure it out. maybe if i saw the red shoes it would have helped. Was this for Halloween or some gay frat crap? Not that there’s anything wrong with gay frat crap.

  3. Chops

    August 3, 2005 1:57 pm, Reply

    No gay frat crap. I wasn’t in DTD.
    That’s right I said it.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

  4. Chops

    August 4, 2005 7:33 pm, Reply

    A follow up…just won a SNG on PS…the following hand occured: I’m BB and dealt A-2 during level 1. The button (Ltrain4) raises 80. DJ1022 calls 100. Chops here calls. The flop is [Js 6d As]. DJ1022 checks. Chops here checks, Ltrain4 bets 100. DJ1022 calls 100, Chops here calls 100. TURN is a 4c. DJ1022 checks. Chops here bets 200. Ltrain4 calls 200. DJ1022 calls 200. RIVER is 2h (giving me 2 pair). Chops here bets 300. Ltrain4 calls. J1022 ends up calling 300 too. Both Ltrain and DJ have A-10.
    Ltrain4 said, “lucky *****”
    dickens23 said, “bull sh it”.

  5. Chops

    August 5, 2005 5:44 am, Reply

    Ahhh BlackSpy, my friend…while I’ll admit that duece on the river was fortunate, had either of the two dominating hands bet enough to get me out of the pot (or, specifically, re-raised me on the turn), I would’ve bailed. So while I won’t call A-2 most of the time, I will keep playing winning poker.

  6. BlackSpy

    August 5, 2005 11:53 am, Reply

    Yes, quite fortunate. But why even call the raise? You hit your card on the flop and were still drawing to three outs.

  7. Chops

    August 5, 2005 12:07 pm, Reply

    Easy…it was level 1, didn’t cost much, and the button could’ve been raising with anything just trying to steal. My A-2 suited could’ve been the best hand (of course, it wasn’t until the end). So I call, try and build the stack early, and bail if the flop misses. The big mistake in this hand came from the two A-Ts NOT re-raising me on the turn if either thought they had the best hand..AND only betting 1/3 of the pot on the flop…even a 1/2 the pot bet would’ve gotten me out…and certainly a re-raise on the turn when I fired my 1/3 pot sized bet out (since that was clearly a feeler to see if one of them did in fact have the A). As you might say, “Bring the heat or get out of the kitchen.”

  8. Snake

    August 5, 2005 3:46 pm, Reply

    The “button could’ve been raising with anything just trying to steal” logic doesn’t really hold up. Never really pays to play sheriff early on in a SnG when you’re only losing 20 if you opt to pass but could be losing at least 400, which would have been the case if you’re 2 on the river didnt fall. Calling it to 100 preflop out of position with A-2o, after the small blind called the raise, it’s hard to think even an Ace on the flop that doesn’t give you any added draws would make you happy. Sure the button raiser may have been playing a position steal but still could be doing it with a small ace that was still bigger than yours (which he was)…and the call by the small blind also could suggest perhaps a wired pair, suited ace or bigger Ace than yours.
    Anyway, I think it has more to do with it being the first level on PokerStars. For those of us, like you, who played a lot of SnGs on Party, starting with 1500 rather than 800 is like a temporary fishing license…and I find myself doing some calling down with hands like yours early on…
    anyway, you’re a lucky fuck with that bullshit, you donkey.

  9. Chops

    January 9, 2006 5:48 am, Reply

    Uhhhh…ok “bob,” let’s see, 1) take some meds, cause, 2) you’re either raging something that happened to you 5 months ago, or 3) you’re raging about something that didn’t happen to you.
    Hilariously sad.
    Re-count was accurate, btw.

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