Wicked Chops Poker spent four days in the most wondrous and beautiful city in the world last week, where sidewalks are lined with gold, street lights are made of candy canes, rivers flow with pure, freshly-melted glacial water, scantily-clad gorgeous Nordic virgins bathe poolside waiting for deflowerment, and wise men present you with frankincense and myrrh when you arrive at the airport. Yes, WCP was in Las Vegas last week.
Part I of Chops‚Äô bachelor party took place from January 12-15. And along with the WCP crew of Chops, Addict, and Snake came along Friends of Wicked Chops Poker (FOWCP),
While the WCP crew are grizzled Vegas vets, this was only Sammy‚Äôs twelfth trip to Sin City, and he was more excited than a cooped up puppy let out to play.
So excited, in fact, that he managed nary one hour of sleep during the approximately 85 hours the gang was there.
Yes, Sammy loves Vegas like Benvinisti loves HoHos.
Before going any further though, some things you should know about Sammy…
1) Sammy is the ultimate Sammy. It‚Äôs the perfect name for him. If he were named Michael, Ike, John, or Tavarus, he‚Äôd be a totally different person. Sammy is what you‚Äôd expect from a Sammy.
2) Sammy is the king of the one-liner. Just when you least expect it, when it doesn‚Äôt seem there‚Äôs any humor in a situation, Sammy will find that humor‚Ä¶in one line.
3) If Sammy had a fake (or Photoshop’d) mustache like at right, occupationally, instead of being an in-force insurance analyzer, he‚Äôd be one of the following: a) a helicopter tour pilot in Hawaii, b) a lake ranger who drives a Seadoo, or c) a porn star who drives a Camero.
4) Sammy was born with a horseshoe up his ass.
In Sammy‚Äôs previous 11 Vegas trips, he had yet to have a losing session. And Sammy plays the games you‚Äôre supposed to lose, like blackjack, slots, Stratego, and even etc.
So after only being on the ground for a couple of hours, the WCP crew were shocked, stunned, and possibly even flabbergasted to discover that Sammy was down $XXXX! Editor‚Äôs Note: As many of Sammy‚Äôs co-workers read this site, we will keep dollar figures out of this article.
Even more stunned was Sammy. So after taking a brief siesta to have sex with a little Mexican street-flyer boy, Sammy continued to tap into his bank account. And the hole he was digging himself just kept getting bigger and bigger.
By 4am, Sammy offered this gem to the group: ‚ÄúWell guys, I just discovered what my max withdrawal limit is.‚Äù
By 9am, still having not gone to bed, Sammy had convinced the bank to increase his withdrawal limit, although they‚Äôd only give him $XXX, or better put, an amount that rhymes with pun-fundred-greaty pollars.
And let‚Äôs just say that it ain‚Äôt easy turning pun-fundred-greaty pollars into foo-fousand nifty wollars.
Luckily, there‚Äôs the Internet, and Internet gambling sites.
So Sammy did the logical thing, and tried to recoup his losses on one home-run swing. Sammy took the Redskins moneyline (+9 ¬Ω) against the Seahawks on betonsports.com.
Unfortunately, there was a full day and a half before that game was played, so while Chops, Addict, and Snake played poker non-stop at Caesar‚Äôs, Sammy disappeared. He had no choice. He had no money.
There were Sammy sightings all over the city during these dark hours. He was sighted at the Mirage by BlackSpy, and at the MGM blackjack tables by someone known as Gay Charlie. Eventually, he resurfaced at 7pm for Caesar‚Äôs $120+100 tournament, which Chops staked him in.
Sammy has a knack for performing well in tournaments that Chops forces him to play. But not this one. About 10 minutes into the tournament, Chops couldn‚Äôt find Sammy. He had been knocked out already. Great.
And Sammy was not seen or heard from again until around 2am, just as Addict was knocked out in fourth place. He walks up and tells Chops, ‚ÄúHey man, I‚Äôm getting delirious. If we don‚Äôt get back to the MGM [where we were staying], I‚Äôm going to fall over.‚Äù
So Chops, Addict, and Sammy trekked it back to the MGM, as Snake continued to grind away at Caesar‚Äôs.
Once at the MGM, Chops & Addict saddled up to a blackjack table, and Sammy went up to the room. A couple of hours later, Chops arrived, and there was Sammy, wide-awake, watching SportsCenter. ‚ÄúI‚Äôm watching game reports so I can figure out how to get my money back," Sammy told him.
Sammy then soon went back down to a video poker screen, milked a few drinks before sunrise, and lost another grundred wollars.
Early the next AM, Chops, Addict, and Snake headed back to Caesar‚Äôs with Sammy to play in the noon tourney.
Sammy didn‚Äôt play in this one. He just watched as his Redskins moneyline wager failed to bail him out.
So desperate, Sammy had to sleep with an old Asian man for dinner money.
Or maybe we made that up. Still, times were dire, and Sammy was tired. He aged 50 years right before our eyes, as the photo of him at left proves. But he kept drinking and playing blackjack through the entire evening, even managing to win back a few crundred wollars.
He never came back to the room on Saturday night. And on Sunday morning, around 9am, as Chops made his way back to the MGM poker room, he passed Sammy, drinking a Red Bull and Vodka at the blackjack table. They nodded. Not a word was spoken. Chops knew it was best to just let Sammy figure out how to get his money back on his own merits.
That‚Äôs when Sammy decided to bet the house (again, second mortgage here) on the Steelers +10 ¬Ω moneyline.
Sammy unfortunately couldn‚Äôt stick around to watch the game though. So he had to sweat it out on an airplane at 35,000 feet. Then, magic.
Around 4pm EST, the captain of his Delta flight came on the intercom and told the passengers that the Steelers had just won the game, despite Jerome Bettis fumbling a sure-fire game-winning touchdown.
And Sammy touched down in Atlanta, horseshoe firmly up butt, knowing that everything was going to be OK.
Cause it always works out OK for Sammy "Killer" Reid.