When the entities that comprised Wicked Chops Poker became the entities that comprise Wicked Chops State Lotteries last week, we immediately began plotting our first roadtrip to test our wicked lottery number picking chops.
So over this past weekend, we did just that. Chops, now a Las Vegas resident, flew back to Atlanta to meet up with the brothers Wicked (the Addict and Snake). They rented a mini-van, bought a road map, and said, ‚ÄúTennessee, here we come!‚Äù
Before we continue though, we must address a few questions you probably have:
1) Entities, why Tennessee? Isn‚Äôt that your arch nemesis, Senator Bill Frist‚Äôs, home state?
WCP: That‚Äôs exactly why we‚Äôre going to Tennessee. Well, that and because it‚Äôs the closest state to Georgia with Texas Hold‚Äôem Poker instant scratch game. And because we‚Äôre lazy. We mean, we‚Äôre committed to this whole State Lotteries project and our website and all, but not ‚Äú12 hour drive committed,‚Äù you know? Also, we hear Tennessee has great new meth labs. Which might answer‚Ä¶
2) Why a mini-van?
WCP: So we can manufacture crystal meth on the ride, our new bedlam ensuing drug of choice. Cocaine is so 20 years ago. And by ‚Äú20 years ago‚Äù we mean ‚Äú
3) Ok, great, so it sounds like bedlam is going to ensue? But when?
WCP: Right now.
So we loaded up the mini(van) with the following essentials for ANY roadtrip: Sudafed, Iodine crystals, Red Phosphorus, Colemans fuel, Muriatic Acid (HCl), Acetone, methanol, tubing & PVC connectors, flask, Red Devil Lye, PH strips, Vision Ware Bowl (must sustain high temps), and portable Bunsen burner, as well as and IV, adrenaline shots, some Gatorade, Golden Grain, small candy, and Gardetto‚Äôs‚Ä¶and off we went!
Snake was driving as the Addict and Chops sat in the back, mixing chemicals and debating their favorite slang names for meth. Chops listed some of his favorites as ‚ÄúAlbino Poo,‚Äù ‚ÄúBarney Dope,‚Äù ‚ÄúCrack Whore,‚Äù ‚ÄúCrizzy,‚Äù ‚ÄúIce,‚Äù and ‚ÄúWhizz.‚Äù The Addict said he preferred ‚ÄúBato,‚Äù ‚ÄúBeegokes,‚Äù ‚ÄúHank,‚Äù and ‚ÄúStoo-pid.‚Äù
Snake chimed in from the front, ‚ÄúHey guys, don‚Äôt forget Biznack.‚Äù
However, the roadtrip almost came to a very quick halt as Chops and the Addict made an ill-advised drinking game out of U2‚Äôs song ‚ÄúNumb.‚Äù Chops suggested that for each time U2‚Äôs The Edge says the word ‚ÄúDon‚Äôt‚Äù in the song that they take a shot. This was a terrible idea. Within seconds, literally, poor Snake had to pull over as Chops and the Addict began throwing up like Lardass in the Wil Wheaton classic, Stand By Me.
It was a lot of puke.
After hooking up to an IV (as in intravenous, not the number 4, dumbass), Chops and the Addict were back to more or less normal, and continued making meth while reeling off their favorite names, apparently having blacked out the exact same conversation from earlier.
‚ÄúYou guys are like Bubba from Forrest Gump with those fucking names.‚Äù Snake said.
To which the Addict recited his favorite Forrest Gump dialogue sequence:
‚ÄúYou ever been on a real shrimp boat Forrest?‚Äù
‚ÄùNo, but I‚Äôve been on a real big boat.‚Äù
When the Entities finally crossed the Tennessee border, high fives abounded. Not so much because they had crossed the border into Tennessee and could now play the $100,000 Texas Hold‚Äôem instant scratch game, but because Chops and the Addict just completed cooking up the batch of meth.
‚ÄúHot rails?‚Äù Snake said.
‚ÄúSpark it up.‚Äù Said the Addict.
Snake pulled over to a gas station that also just happened to sell lottery tickets.
So with a wisely placed call to Tammi and Bobby Sue, who promised to be on their way ‚Äúright quick,‚Äù the Entities created a wonderful cloud of chemical smoke in the mini-van.
‚ÄúAll right all right let‚Äôs go into that store and play the fucking lottery man!‚Äù Snake said.
‚ÄúHee hee hee hee I‚Äôm gonna scratch me some fucking winners man and then we‚Äôre gonna be more rich man and it‚Äôs gonna be fucking wild man!‚Äù Chops said.
‚ÄúHey guys I have an idea fuck buying lottery tickets let‚Äôs rob the place of the lottery tickets and then we can play for free how‚Äôs that sound that‚Äôs totally what we should do I‚Äôm ‚Äòall-in‚Äô bros!‚Äù the Addict said. The Entities looked at each other. They knew exactly what had to be done. They flung open the door to the mini-van and ran inside.
‚ÄúNobody move, nobody gets hurt! We‚Äôre just here for the lottery tickets!‚Äù